So much has changed since my Dad left us September 12, 2011. So much feels the same. I thought maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, and yes on most days I am right. But then some days it hits me like a ton of bricks.
So many changes. I still work at eBay, but so does Jared now. Maxine is 7 and in 2nd grade. Jaxon is really talking now and almost potty trained. We have our first home. A wonderful townhome that we were able to get due to dad's inheritance he left us.
Last week we finished getting our stuff out of the house. It was hard. I think we were putting it off because we didn't really want to let it go. Seeing my dad's head pop out from the stair banister saying "Where's the papa?" or sitting in his special "Anti gravity chair" in the back yard, which he made me sit in especially when I was pregnant. Christmas Eve, sitting at the table with Maxine, showing her where Santa was on his laptop. His garden.....*sigh*
I decided to write this when I found a post I had started to write last year about Dad's stay in hospice, his last weeks. I feel like I just need to talk this out, to let it out. His last day I wrote in facebook and I want to put here as well. But not today.
I was listening to Taylor Swifts new song "Ronan" on Tuesday, bawling like a child. The lyrics reminded me too much of Dad. How I was in his closet talking to him. I have a basket of his shirts that I plan to make blankets out of someday. I just can't bring myself to do it yet.
There's so much I want to say to him. I want to show him my house, he would love it! I want him to chase Jaxon around in the backyard! I want Jared and him to talk football, even see a game someday. I want Maxine to show him how she can read. I want to even just rub his feet again.
I feel silly, silently crying as I write this. I know Dad wouldn't want me to be sad but I am. But I am a bit happy too. My last 3 years with Dad were wonderful, and I don't think we would have had Jaxon if we hadn't been living at Dad's house.
I hope the house sells quickly. I am ready to move on, but not forget...
